Are You Attracting The Right Guy?

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why do I always attract the wrong guys? Why can't I get a decent Muslim guy, instead of players, creeps, and some fobby guy who constantly wants to 'frandship me' on Facebook?"

Every Muslim girl has pondered over the possible answers to these questions, whether by simply asking her own self, or in the form of a complaint as she sadly leans on the shoulder of her friend while eating out of a box of chocolates. Don't worry, your're not the only girl who suddenly gains calories after giving yourself the title "Forever Alone".

What conclusions are usually drawn concerning this issue? Of course, there are always those girls who will whine, "I'm not as pretty as the other girls" or "I'm too fat/skinny". Most girls are so quick to find faults within themselves if their crush doesn't pay attention to them. Woah, slow down there speed racer, and stop jumping to conclusions! There are several problems with these assumptions:

a) If he doesn't like you solely based on these superficial reasons, he's not even worth your time or consideration.

b) If a guy you like doesn't show interest in you for some reason, accept it and move on. It obviously wasn't meant to be.

c) It's insecurities like these that will completely damage your self-esteem and ruin your prospects of finding a decent man. Be careful, and have a little faith.

But seriously, the single answer to these questions is very simple, although we may not think it is. If you're looking for the perfect man, there is only one solution to this, and that is: be the perfect woman! You may have heard it before, but have you really thought about it?

Let me break it down for you. Let's suppose you want to marry a practicing Muslim brother. You know, one with a nice Sunnah beard, lowered gaze, got that miswaak swag, beautiful reciting voice, and all that jazz. Now let me ask you, what do you think his standards will be like when searching for a wife? Without a doubt, he would want to marry a woman whose level of eman is equivalent (if not higher) to his. You simply cannot expect to marry a brother like this if you barely pray, wear skin-tight clothes, and have Kim Kardashian as your role model. I don't mean to offend, but if you fall under any of those categories, then you, my friend, need a serious reality check. 

Marriage is a serious business. You can't just go through life, expecting Mr. Right to fall from the sky if you aren't willing improve yourself (well technically you can, but you will be heavily disappointed). If your level of eman is lower than the earth's core, the type of men you will attract will most likely be the same. Similarly, when your eman is high, the right man will find you, inshaAllah, and actually be serious about spending his life with you by completing half his deen!

Another important thing to note is, never enter a relationship thinking your husband will change you and somehow magically make you more "religious". Yes, he can certainly help, but only to a certain extent. Keep this ayah in mind: Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves (Qur'an, Surat Ar-Ra'd, verse 11). You are in charge of yourself. You have to make the effort.

In short, be a good Muslim if you want to marry a good Muslim. Remember, "If you want a Muhammad, you've got to be a Khadijah."

And Allah knows best.

Your sister in Islam,

- moonlitdesert

Why Do Girls Compromise The Wrong things?

Why do people compromise the good qualities when it comes too their other half?

Have you ever notice when people are single they usually have an idea of their perfect spouse. For most Muslim girls it is a practicing brother. Yeah we all say we want that practicing brother with that great heart who will help us improve, but when it comes down to it most girls just settle for less. How many times has a similar scenario happen to me.

Friend: BITTER.SWEET BABE, Hawty Mc Hot Hot (Okay so they don't actually call me that)

Me: Yes, my lovely awesome friend?

Friend: Guess what, I met a guy.

Me: No way! Tell me about him

Friend: He is so amazing bitter.sweet. He is down to earth, you know but...

Me: O.O But what?

Friend: He occasionally drinks... But only a social drinker!

Me: Oh but... he drinks.

Friend: Yeah I know, but he is so amazing Bitter.sweet

Me: *Tries to reason to friend but she doesn't really listen.

You and me both know that this guy is someone we should not pursue. It doesn't only have to be drinking it can be some many other factors. These flaws are basically signals telling us not to continue. To the people who fall in "love" these flaws become so insignificant, they are blinded by the feelings they feel. The worst part is, after the magical feeling has simmered down, they realized that there has been a lot of time that has been wasted investing on the person... Regret.

Something I like to do to rule someone out is to ask myself "Is this the guy I want to be that father to my children" if no I walk away.  I also think to myself  "Would the women of Jannah be doing this?" If the answer once again is no, please. Please. Walk. Away.

Blindly falling your heart will not be worth it in the long wrong. You will only end up with
1) A Heart broken
2) An awful marriage
3) Time Wasted
Even worse all three. Please, please, PLEASE do not lower your standards, but also try keep your standards achievable and realistic.

I wish you princesses the best of luck.

                                                                                                                            -Bitter.Sweet

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Split Personality || Awkward As The Sex talk!

I don't know why people feel the need to change themselves just so they get the attention of the opposite sex. If you have to change yourself in anyway just so you can please him/her then trust me when I say its not worth it.
The thing about me is that I do not change my personality to have a guy like me, or to get his attention. Matter of fact I have trouble being myself.  I am unable to be myself in front of others and I I do I not know feel comfortable. When I'm with my friends I can be myself and I will not give two cents about how I act or what comes out of my mouth.
When I have to talk to the opposite sex, unlike  me talking to my friends, I actually have to think about what I say. Which makes  me feel incredibly awkward. I feel very aware of myself. Its so exhausting that to the point that I just want to stop talking. To the point my exhausted brain will run out of things to say, which also makes me feel even more incredibly awkward. Compare this awkward feeling to that moment where you and your parents have the sex talk....NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

your face...

From all that mental exhausting conversation, I either come off  stern as a bully, or I become the one-answer type of person....you know, the people that you have to ask them a million question just so you can have the conversation keep going. The problem is that I either go to one extreme to the next extreme. I am unable find a common ground. Why can't I just be myself, the person that doesn't care about what other people think about her? The weird part is that I don't know why I act this way. It is not that they intimidate me or that I have lived under a rock and have no clue how to communicate with the "guy" species.  All I do know is I need to work on my communication skills with the opposite gender.

Even though I have my flaws, I do not feel I need to transform into a "better" Muslim ( Being fake just to please the guy)  or go all wild just so they can get the attention of the opposite gender. Just be true to yourself and  if a person does not think that is good enough, then that person is unworthy of your time. Remember, the person that your meant to be with will love just the way you are. Keep in mind that everything that is suppose to happen is already written, so don't change yourself for someone else's attention. Just try to be the best person you can be and Insha'Allah things will work out.

Paranoia? Better to be safe then sorry if you ask me.

I never trusted guys. Never could really understand the mentality of girls who felt comfortable with them. In fact, I remember growing up I barely trusted some girls. But I considered anyone who trusted a guy to be a fool. In my world trusting a male with anything would be like giving a murderer a knife and saying.. "Hi.. can you please aim right here," as you point to your spine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-men. In about a few seconds I can judge whether or not a person is trust worthy, and not to toot-my-own-horn, but I'd say I was pretty good at guessing. Intuition is something Allah blessed me with alhamdulilah. 

Whenever a guy would sit next to me or try to talk to me for casual reasons. I'd instantly become paranoid.

"What does he want??!" my internal voice would scream at me.

I know I know.. I'm might be laying on a bit much here. But I don't know some part of me, wonders.. well what do I have to offer?

I mean.. if he wanted to find a friend, he could have turned to another male who would very much happily talk to him about sports, food, and girls.

What could talking to little old me possibly benefit him?

In a way some would say I'm being extreme.

No. Being extreme would be if I smacked him across his face and said: "Get away you perv!" 

But I don't. Cause that would be weird and very illegal. So, instead I continue on the conversation. Talk normally. Crack a few jokes here and there. But I always keep my guard up.

I don't believe that guys and girls can be friends. Its not possible. Especially when your aware of the other persons gender. There is a natural tension there that many of us can deny, but its there. The differences are there too. Though there are exceptions.

For example some of the guys in my community I grew up with, I only view as brothers. Not muslim brothers. Like legit brother brothers. Yes sheikhs and sheikha's I know.. they're not technically my brothers. But in my world -and their world I am pretty sure- there are 0 possibilites.  So their gender has no relevance. In my world its like they're girls. No room for opportunity. Not even halal. Not even anything. 

But then there are those guys who you sit next to you, and you are very aware of the possibilities. You are very aware of their gender.

Some girls would say, "Well I have some guy friends that I've never been with, never thought of that way." 

Well yes.. those are SOME of your guy friends. Not all. You can't apply a specific case, to a general society. You go from the general to the specific. Not vice versa.

Now I'm not saying view every guy you meet as an opportunity. That's wrong. You should be doing the opposite.

View every guy as if there is no opportunity unless he wants to marry you. Because last time I checked that is the initial goal. If you ask me dating is just a long wasteful period of the inevitable. Which is you last or you don't.

And here's a fact ladies: you may not being viewing every guy as an opportunity, but I can bet you my life savings, a lot of them are looking at you thinking: "Well hello there, lottery ticket." 

Don't be an opportunity. Be a human.

Because that's what you are.

Salams

xxComplicationsxx

I Gotta Crush On You!! No wait--Thats Haram. Isn't it?

I remember my first crush like it was yesterday. 

Erks. It didn't really feel like yesterday. In fact, it felt like decades ago. Only because when I get over someone, its done. Like dead. Like never again. Like: OMG.. what the hell was I thinking?!?!

I'm sure everyone remembers their first crush though. I can't forget it only because I remember how scared I was at the time. Well.. actually.. I wasn't scared. I was terrified. No joke. When my heart would pound really fast the first couple of times; I thought I was either dying or in the midst of having a heart attack. No joke.

Anyway, we're gonna call my first crush by the first letter of his name. Which was K.

K? Good. :P

I was in the fourth grade when I realized I had a crush on K. He was smart, funny, popular, not that cute now that I look back, but perhaps I was charmed by the crooked smirk he always had on his face. I'm beginning to notice a trend in all the guys I've liked so far and it turns out they all had a typical smirk.

That sounds pretty creepy on their part and very predictable on mine. -__-"

Moving on.

In the 4th grade, you don't really know what the hell having a crush really means. I mean your a little kid. In fact, sometimes I question why I had feelings for someone at such a young age. I hope some doctor out there who is reading this right now can confirm for me if that was normal.(doctors please leave a comment.)

In a 9 year old kids head you just know this: At random times you get really excited for no particular reason. This. Was. Weird.

It took me a couple of days to realize that K was the re-occurring cause of my heart acceleration. I am a slow person in that sense. haha.

When I managed to put the pieces together I'd avoid K as much as possible. I was confused and like I said earlier terrified.

I shouldn't be feeling this way at all. Or at least that's what I was told.

Somehow, every time I blog my parents have to be in a post. *rolls eyes*

In most muslim, or ethnic houses, you always have that parent or (both parents in my case) that when they hear the word "boyfriend," or "girlfriend" on T.V they come rushing into the room with a spatula (usually my mom) and have this look on their face:

BOYFRIEND???

To avoid this problem, many of us western Muslim kids do a couple of the following things.

1) Change the channel when you can see that the t.v episode is going to be talking about love. In a Muslim household we deem the episode or the show in general "bad," "haraam," or in Somali for those of you who speak it "ceeyb" (embarrassingly wrong.)

2) If its just a moment of the word, some of us will either cough really loudly whenever the word is said or change the channel for that particular time.

3) If you wanna be a badass, then you wouldn't change the channel until you hear your mom/dad coming.


When I was younger we'd never even watch shows like that in fear of what our parents would say. But I can't lie, when we got older we'd be like whatever. Our logic was: Its not like we're dating anybody, so what was the harm?

My parents and other Muslim parents mean well. I mean T.V is very persuasive. Otherwise I'd never get hungry when I see a pizza commercial, or want to be as beautiful as Emma Watson (which is impossible because we don't even have the same features at all). So we all know T.V does affect our minds. Especially the vulnerable-still-developing-mind of a young kid/pre-teen. Studies and psychologists can agree with this.

And since in Islam, there is no such thing as boyfriend/girlfriend, my parents didn't want us getting any "ideas." 

So they'd get very panicky when they'd see us watching stuff that even mentioned the word.

So let me break down to you, what my nine-year old self thought at the reaction of my parents.

 Liking someone like the way they did on t.v was bad + I have a crush on K= OMG I'M HARAM.

I laugh right now looking back, but I remember thinking how terrified I was. "Allah cure me of my disease!!" I use to say.

I never told my parents. I couldn't bear the thought of  them thinking that somehow T.V was to blame for all this, and I liked t.v a lot. So in the name of T.V I kept my silence.

Though it was hard. I silently admired K from a far. It was easy because I'd dodge him all the time. Then came the day, my teacher said those words that I really didn't need to hear.

Teacher to K: "That's it... you pack up your stuff and move from there. Your too distracted with you friends. Move over here and sit next to xxcomplicationsxx" 

On the outside I had a really calm face. But what was happening inside was a much very different picture.

OMG he's gonna sit next to me! YAY!

Realization hits.

OMG BREATHE  BREATHE!!!

Imagine how fast all those emotions were inside my head. haha. I could have explained it. But pictures tell emotions sometimes better than words.

As he took his seat next to me, I sat more rigidly. Posture straight, trying to breath through my nose. I begged God for some help with this internal battle, and I cursed Satan for making me feel this way.

As the teacher turned back to face the board, I could feel K turn his attention towards me.

"Lord have mercy." 

Minutes pass, and just as I was about to turn my head to look at what he was doing, I felt a crumpled piece of paper hit the back of my head. 

Which started a beautiful relationship of me being a paper wastebasket. Sad. I know. In the sixth grade he sat next to me again and did the same exact thing. It was quite annoying.

Looking back, its not K I really think about, though I do laugh at the memory from time to time. Instead what troubles me was my inability to tell someone. 

The reason, so many Muslim kids go behind their parents back and start dating is simple.

The feelings can become overwhelming. 

Dear Muslim parents, don't act like you haven't had liked someone previously in your life before you met your wife/husband. You tell us kids, "no boyfriends. Its haram." But you didn't even give us a damn heads up or a reason!! Let's be honest, whenever you tell someone "its haram," the first thing that pops into their head is: "why?"

Now imagine if your a young person, who sees that his mom/dad get pissed at the word boyfriend/girlfriend. They'd tsk and shake their heads. Who in their right mind would ask them: "Mommy why is it haram?"

If you were brave enough to ask this give yourself a pat on the shoulder. I chickened out. But if you asked this question and they just repeated one of the following: 

"Its haram."

"Allah doesn't like it."

"Its wrong." 

Smack yourself afterwards, because you failed. Allah (swt) has a good reason for why he restricts things. And that wasn't a sufficient enough answer. Now I get it if you were 10 or 11. But if you're like 13 or 14, I think you were mature enough to be told the reason. I mean, by that time we already knew what sex was,  (here in the West) due to sex education classes, much to the disappointment of every Muslim parent. 

"Never believe the crap they teach you in health class," my dad would tell me. "In fact if your gonna skip a class, I'd say skip that class."

Muslim parents like to pretend, that you don't know what any of this stuff is. And you have to go along with it. Pretending to be "innocent."  When in all reality our teachers were telling us that if we're gonna have sex use protection. 

It's funny, because parents have no clue what goes on in school, yet they think they know everything. And then they act all shocked when they see their daughter or son dating someone. If you actually gave your kid room to talk about stuff like this, you'd prevent them from doing a lot of haram. 

I'm not saying you have to have a huge open discussion about sex with your mom when your 15 or older. No, I don't really think that's necessary. But its cool if you already have. 

But I think your mom should clarify that love is halal. So long as it is done the correct way. And I honestly wish someone told me that "liking someone" was normal so I didn't panic half the time thinking Allah would punish me for this. I wish someone would answer the why in: why is having a relationship outside of marriage such a bad thing? 

Alhamdulilah I figured a lot on my own (cause I'm smart like that:*humble brag*) but I think a lot of kids are either not so... cautious... or just don't care. And a lot of the time, they turn to look at their friends for guidance. Depending on the friend in question, that person can be persuaded into haraam or into good. 

Parents? They never like anything fun. So that's not even an option. 

The simple mentality of a teen/kid. Heck even some "adults."

Of course, I'm not going to go into detail why having a boyfriend/girlfriend is haram in Islam just yet, but stick around and I just will inshallah. 

Its funny cause when my dad would lecture me about love/marriage he would always say: There is a time and place for everything. Now is not the time. 

I'm 19 years old now, and so are my friends. 

And honestly with so much fitna around... 

I'd say now is the time . 

Inshallah. 

Salams. 

--xxComplicationsxx

The Struggle To Get To The Beginning: Marriage.

Now that I am getting older, I feel as though I do not see any role models when it comes to marriage especially in the Muslim community. I mean you rarely hear people going about finding a spouse in a halal way.

I know some brown people are going to come to this post and snap there finger in z formation and hip rotation and say " UH excuse me, us brown people do it right, we get our aunty to find a spouse for us."

Well, truth is for other sisters this is not common practice in their culture, like mine. They go off on their own trying to find someone. Our parents just expect that we will just find a person and bring that person to meet them. So the responsibility is on us. Majority of the time these sisters just end up "dating" forgetting the entire purpose is for marriage. This doesn't only apply to Muslims who aren't even practicing. Practicing Muslims who pray 5 times a day, don't eat pork, read the Quran seem to think that dating is okay if you are looking for a husband. Even in my MSA (Muslim Student Association) people are dating. I didn't believe it at first but it does exist in the Muslim community. By the way just to tell you, there is no such thing as "Halal Dating."

What makes this all the more worse is that hijab itself has now become stylish. Not that wearing a nice coloured hijab is a bad thing. Thats not what I mean.

Lets use an example to clarify what I mean.

You are a Muslim brother.

You see two girls.

First girl: Plain black hijab. Black Abaya. Baggy sweater (if its cold). Backpack. Sneakers. Her face ain't sayin a lot either. No make-up. Probably looks tired from staying up late for no apparent reason.

Second girl: Make up done. Bracelets decorate her wrists. Beautiful pashmina hijab. Hijab worn in a stylish manner -clearly looks like she has a hijab tutorial channel, or watches one- Long top, covering half of her bell bottom/skinny jeans. Or maybe she's wearing one of those maxi skirts. Basically she looks like she's made for a runway.

Now lets be honest. Who would you notice?

Don't lie bros. Heck, even us girls notice the second hijabi. Our shaytaan makes us feel envious at how beautiful she looks.

But then a part of us knows, that if a man can find us attractive in a plain abaya and hijab. He can find us attractive in anything.

Too bad many of these brothers don't exist. I mean its hard enough, being plain in a world where fashion is a must. Otherwise your categorized as a plain Jane.

Yet if people actually took the time to get to know us plain girls. They'd see all sorts of colours.

But nobody really does.

Imagine. xxcomplicationsxx, maskedwoman, and I don't want to date. And we don't want to be blatantly noticed for our looks. Yet we want to get married.

This is gonna be mad hard. We're all so confused. We don't even know the process of how this is gonna work. How do we attract a someone with just being ourselves?

But then again we realize: Hey. That's the whole point! 

We want to be loved for ourselves. We hope someone we'll just see the beauty in us for just being us.

I know some of you may be thinking: "Well how am I going to get know someone.. without dating him?"

How do you even approach someone you think you could be a good match with?

So many questions. In some way we are lost ourselves.

But that being said, we know what we want. We know what to do to get there.

Inshallah, with Allah's help, and by staying true to His rules; Allah will bless us.

Well, I hope from this blog you will see that it is possible to keep things halal when it comes to love. Hopefully from our struggles and inshallah our accomplishments, you and I will see that anything is possible.

                                                                                                            -Bitter.Sweet

A Muslim Cinderella Story.

Cinderella lived happily ever after.

Like the cold betraying friend she was, she didn't give the rest of us ladies a heads-up. Nope she just walked on with her man, waving goodbye at the rest of us suckers to sit there and grin in a fake way and say "OMG, I am so happy for her!" 

While the green eyed monster eats at our soul, making us wish that we could be that happy girl in the white dress.

Cinderella not only gave us the cold shoulder, she lied. Or at least the person who wrote the story did.

Love is not as easy as getting some guy to see you, dance with you, than getting him to chase you round the whole damn country trying to fit other chicks fat feet into your shoe. (ewww.. by the way.)

Worst part is, Cinderella ain't even Muslim. This girl got no idea how hard it is to get a Prince with a scarf tied around your head and a huge gown covering them hips, and every asset you have, only leaving him to be mesmerized by your plain (make-up free) face?

And we all know how guys are like. Or at least how we women think they're like.

The pressure is real, and Cinderella left us in the dust.

Oh my bad. Your right. Cinderella's just a story.

But there are cinderella's we see everyday in our lives. It could be our mom's best friend's daughter, a friend, a cousin, our sister even. Don't matter who it is, we all want a taste of what happily ever after feels like.

My name is xxcomplicationsxx. My friends, BitterSweet, MaskedWomen, Miss moonlitdesert and I are on a mission. *insert badass music here*

We're on a mission to find our princes. The other half to our lives, and our deen. We're here to make it all happen.

While simultaneously writing down all the stupid, crazy things we get into mixed in with our stupid crazy thoughts that we hope y'all receive beneficial information from while remaining slightly entertained.

Did I mention something else?

We're gonna do it all in the halal way. You heard us.

Challenge has been Accepted.

CIAO.

- Miss xxcomplicationsxx, Miss BitterSweet, Miss MaskedWomen, Miss moonlitdesert