Out of the three us, I was the only one who thought "Mashallah!"
The other two had a negative outlook on marriage. "Why would you want to get tie down ?" Girl A said. The other girl (Girl B) replied in disgust "We're honestly too young to know what love is,"
Clearly these two were more pro-dating than marriage. Keep in mind they are both muslim girls.
By defending marriage, I was defending myself, since I had always been pro-marriage. Instead I was made fun of. Not so intelligently either.
"Shut up, you want to marry the first guy you date!" Girl A said while laughing.
Okay....
The girl that said this to me, is currently in a relationship with a guy. The guy in question has casually mentioned many times about their future together. Talking about marriage and kids. This freaks Girl A out immensely. She called me once, her voice all panicky.
Girl A: "Omg xxcomplicationsxx you have got to help me!"
Me: "What happened? What's wrong?"
Girl A: "R (the boyfriend) is getting too serious."
Me: Okaaaay.... what do you mean?
Girl A: "He keeps bringing up marriage talks."
Me: "Isn't that a good thing?"
Girl A: "No! I'm not ready for marriage! I don't want to get married now. I am too young! Besides I don't see a future with him. He is not my future husband!"
Me: "How do you know this?"
Girl A: "He's too boring."
Me: "Then why are you with him?"
Girl A: "I like him don't get me wrong. Like I like him a lot but he's not the ONE."
Me: "Sorry I still don't get it. Then WHY are you with him?"
Girl A: "I like him. He makes me feel comfortable."
Me: ....... right.
I can't even begin to tell how you how much that conversation bothered me. This girl was with this guy only because she felt comfortable and because she liked him. Meanwhile this guy was with this girl because he saw her as a part of his future. Someone was going to get hurt, and ironically it isn't the girl this time.
For the past year or so, I've studied everything with regards to marriage, relationships, zinaa, love etc etc. Being the nerd I am I decided to seek answers through books. I also observed people and their relationships.
Growing up I wasn't fond of marriage. I saw the relationship of my parents with one another and I didn't see anything that was in the movies. No tenderness when they looked at one another. My parents were just two people living in the same house and that was it. Their kids are what brought them together. I didn''t know if my mom loved my dad or if my dad loved my mom because I couldn't see it. No flirting, no hugging, not even a salam alaykum in the morning. "If this was what marriage looked like forget it," I thought.
My parents told me dating was haram in Islam. That there was only marriage. This bothered me because dating made sense at the time. How could I marry someone I did not know?
Dating gave you time to get to know one another before you got married.
Or at least, that's what they say.
I've realized a couple things about dating vs marriage. With dating, there is no responsibility. Sure you get to know the person, and this is observed through not only the emotional but the physical as well. At the end of the day however, each person of the dating relationship can break up and leave at whatever time after realizing something that they disliked about the other person. "He's too boring." Girl A had said. She'd realized she wanted someone more adventurous and spontaneous and instead of ending things with him she decides to drag out things along further because she doesn't want to disturb the comfortable lifestyle she has with him. She also doesn't want to miss him, because yes she is infatuated with him but she knows in heart, that will fade.
People like to use dating as a means to "get to know one another." That really isn't the case at all. Dating is really having all the physical benefits that you'd find in a marriage minus the responsibility a wife has to her husband or a husband has with his wife. Sure said boyfriend may pay for your dinner, but eventually he doesn't have to. He may think "screw it. I don't have to do this all the time. I don't even like her that much. On to the next girl." While the girl cries and cries and wonders what happened? "I thought he loved me."
No. He wanted you. He didn't LOVE you.
If he loved you, he'd have the courage to tell your dad. He'd have the guts to make you his permanetly forever and always. He'd take the responsibility that comes with being a husband. Everyone knows how serious the word husband is compared to "boyfriend."
I think that's why people get so scared at the idea of marriage. "Oh man.. this means I have to actually put in work. That I have to be serious. That there is no more searching or wondering... That this is the last person I'll ever be with."
Young people, primarily in their teen years don't really want to do this. Their objective is "lets have some fun."
The thing you have to realize is, you gotta take relationships seriously. Otherwise they don't only waste time, they hurt people. Not just emotionally but physically. Imagine you've just given up your virginity to a fool who never really cared about you in the first place. The only way you could have avoided this is if you had been serious about who you let see what. A boyfriend who could easily walk away from you tomorrow and I feel like more people should keep that in mind.
No I'm not cynical. I'm being realistic.
The argument against marriage is "well I don't know him that well, and I need to date him first to know if he's the one for me."
That has got to be the biggest lie ever. What they really saying is "I need to taste-test him first."
This is human being we're talking about. Not a fruit. Have some respect for the individual and yourself. You want to get to know him? Do so in a environment where there is no room for physical intimacy. You don't need to kiss someone to know if they're a right fit. Everyone can sleep around and feel passion. We all have the same body and the same hormones at work. However very few people can touch your heart, mind, and soul without even meaning to.
A girl asked me once, "What if your husband is a bad kisser?"
The question is one I get frequently and my response will be the same, "How will I know if I've never kissed anyone else in the first place?"
I feel like when people date, they become desensitized to the feeling of having a first. I remember this one girl, got seriously jealous when she realized her boyfriend had been with previous girls while he was her first.
Then there are those, who are with so many guys, they kind of get lost in the sea of them. What I always wonder is, how do they know they've found the one if at the beginning of all their previous failed relationships it always felt the same.
Meet said guy. Like said guy. Date said guy.---- then there is the inevitable: They either last or they don't.
How do you find the one in such a system? You can't tell because it always started out the same way!
It makes no sense.
Its not to say that within marriage, you will find a happily ever after. Cinderella failed to show us what happened 3 months later.
But with any relationship, instead of throwing it away when it is broken you should try your hardest to fix it.
With dating, you know that the relationship may or not be serious enough to last till marriage. You can usually tell after being with the person for more than a month or so. There flaws start to show and you can tell if you're willing to tolerate them or not. Most people like I said become desensitized because of they're previous failed relationships so they're expectations are not so high.
This is where the problems are. Low expectations for self, and for partner= a not so great relationship.
You get what you deserve. That's how I shall end this post.
Inshallah they're will be a part two this rambling session. I don't even know what I am saying at this point. I feel like I just shoved all my thoughts into this one post, but hopefully it made sense for you guys.
Salams,
xxcomplicationsxx
For the past year or so, I've studied everything with regards to marriage, relationships, zinaa, love etc etc. Being the nerd I am I decided to seek answers through books. I also observed people and their relationships.
Growing up I wasn't fond of marriage. I saw the relationship of my parents with one another and I didn't see anything that was in the movies. No tenderness when they looked at one another. My parents were just two people living in the same house and that was it. Their kids are what brought them together. I didn''t know if my mom loved my dad or if my dad loved my mom because I couldn't see it. No flirting, no hugging, not even a salam alaykum in the morning. "If this was what marriage looked like forget it," I thought.
My parents told me dating was haram in Islam. That there was only marriage. This bothered me because dating made sense at the time. How could I marry someone I did not know?
Dating gave you time to get to know one another before you got married.
Or at least, that's what they say.
I've realized a couple things about dating vs marriage. With dating, there is no responsibility. Sure you get to know the person, and this is observed through not only the emotional but the physical as well. At the end of the day however, each person of the dating relationship can break up and leave at whatever time after realizing something that they disliked about the other person. "He's too boring." Girl A had said. She'd realized she wanted someone more adventurous and spontaneous and instead of ending things with him she decides to drag out things along further because she doesn't want to disturb the comfortable lifestyle she has with him. She also doesn't want to miss him, because yes she is infatuated with him but she knows in heart, that will fade.
People like to use dating as a means to "get to know one another." That really isn't the case at all. Dating is really having all the physical benefits that you'd find in a marriage minus the responsibility a wife has to her husband or a husband has with his wife. Sure said boyfriend may pay for your dinner, but eventually he doesn't have to. He may think "screw it. I don't have to do this all the time. I don't even like her that much. On to the next girl." While the girl cries and cries and wonders what happened? "I thought he loved me."
No. He wanted you. He didn't LOVE you.
If he loved you, he'd have the courage to tell your dad. He'd have the guts to make you his permanetly forever and always. He'd take the responsibility that comes with being a husband. Everyone knows how serious the word husband is compared to "boyfriend."
I think that's why people get so scared at the idea of marriage. "Oh man.. this means I have to actually put in work. That I have to be serious. That there is no more searching or wondering... That this is the last person I'll ever be with."
Young people, primarily in their teen years don't really want to do this. Their objective is "lets have some fun."
The thing you have to realize is, you gotta take relationships seriously. Otherwise they don't only waste time, they hurt people. Not just emotionally but physically. Imagine you've just given up your virginity to a fool who never really cared about you in the first place. The only way you could have avoided this is if you had been serious about who you let see what. A boyfriend who could easily walk away from you tomorrow and I feel like more people should keep that in mind.
No I'm not cynical. I'm being realistic.
The argument against marriage is "well I don't know him that well, and I need to date him first to know if he's the one for me."
That has got to be the biggest lie ever. What they really saying is "I need to taste-test him first."
This is human being we're talking about. Not a fruit. Have some respect for the individual and yourself. You want to get to know him? Do so in a environment where there is no room for physical intimacy. You don't need to kiss someone to know if they're a right fit. Everyone can sleep around and feel passion. We all have the same body and the same hormones at work. However very few people can touch your heart, mind, and soul without even meaning to.
A girl asked me once, "What if your husband is a bad kisser?"
The question is one I get frequently and my response will be the same, "How will I know if I've never kissed anyone else in the first place?"
I feel like when people date, they become desensitized to the feeling of having a first. I remember this one girl, got seriously jealous when she realized her boyfriend had been with previous girls while he was her first.
Then there are those, who are with so many guys, they kind of get lost in the sea of them. What I always wonder is, how do they know they've found the one if at the beginning of all their previous failed relationships it always felt the same.
Meet said guy. Like said guy. Date said guy.---- then there is the inevitable: They either last or they don't.
How do you find the one in such a system? You can't tell because it always started out the same way!
It makes no sense.
Its not to say that within marriage, you will find a happily ever after. Cinderella failed to show us what happened 3 months later.
But with any relationship, instead of throwing it away when it is broken you should try your hardest to fix it.
With dating, you know that the relationship may or not be serious enough to last till marriage. You can usually tell after being with the person for more than a month or so. There flaws start to show and you can tell if you're willing to tolerate them or not. Most people like I said become desensitized because of they're previous failed relationships so they're expectations are not so high.
This is where the problems are. Low expectations for self, and for partner= a not so great relationship.
You get what you deserve. That's how I shall end this post.
Inshallah they're will be a part two this rambling session. I don't even know what I am saying at this point. I feel like I just shoved all my thoughts into this one post, but hopefully it made sense for you guys.
Salams,
xxcomplicationsxx
I just came across this blog randomly and just wanted to say how great the whole concept is! I'm almost at the stage where I'm considering marriage and reading this is really helping me put things into perspective.:)
ReplyDeleteHave a good day! Salams xx
Thanks!
DeleteI don't know if I made sense at all in this post really, but Im glad you've found something useful!
You too! :)
That's awful, that we've come to a stage where our Muslim sisters are dating just for the hell of it. May Allah guide her to the right path. Have you ever spoken to her to like guide her aright?
ReplyDeleteNice blog, by the way :)
M&M x
Thanks!
DeleteI have but sadly, its not just the one girl, but like 3 of them that i know who have this mindset. it just makes me wonder where the muslim identity is in some individuals.
And I've tried you know telling her why its wrong and all that, but instead was looked at as a preacher. In short i was made fun of.
May Allah guide us all really.
-Beautifully said, the rest of the post, its so true that people believe that dating is the only way to get to know a person, that we need to try it first and then find out if we want to keep it or not. But at the end of the day, taking that approach is very materialistic and like you said, it demeans what we are- human beings. Even with fruit- we have to commit to buying it before we try, we can't just to take a bite then put it back if we don't like it.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while in dating it does seem as if people are doing it for the fun- the end goal that they set for themselves is lost. Allah guides as away from things for a reason, people need to be more rational because they can be.
Exactly! haha you definitely explained it a lot better than i did. :)
Delete"The end goal that they set for themselves is lost."
DeleteNow whats left is those question we have to ask yourself.
Hopefully the authors can come up with these questions. So we do not fall into senseless dating. I really hope this blog can show that marriage doesn't have to start off with dating.
amazing. your a great writer.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you with the whole "lets have fun" stage in high school. If its not a conscious thought, its always there in the back of our minds. In my grade 12, I convinced myself that I liked the guy when I really liked the way he made me feel. I can say that at the time, I truly did like him as a person. During the aftermath - call it the break-up if you will - I convinced myself it was just practice. But I knew...deep down that from the get-go that we wouldn't last. Advice to my sisters, wait for the one that offers you marriage because he sees your true worth not the first one with a pretty face and a glib tongue that turns your head. Many men spit buckets of lies and try to pass it off as fresh water truth. Y'all know the sayin 'why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free'? Trust me when I say they'd try their very best to get around the price because really, who doesn't like free milk? Momma said that if you work hard on you, focus on living life the halal, pious way...good things will come looking for you.
Also, keep in mind that in the Western world, being "Muslim" is not what most Muslim girls identify themselves as first. There is too much emphasis put on recognizing and categorizing each other based one's culture. I think that it's a major factor to the confusion of many sisters out there.
What I thought I wanted at 17, or even was attracted to at 17, isnt what I would be attracted now. Allhamdulliah, thanks to LOYAL [ :) ] friends that want the BEST for me, I understood that I can be me and still maintain my worth as a woman with or without having hordes of men running in and out of my life.
ima just end this with: Allah helps those that help themselves. And Allah (swt) loves those that love and obey Him.
stay true ma sistas.
Halal dating and islamic courting. People use it to their own advantages. Whether they practise or don't.
ReplyDelete